Couples Therapy / Marriage Counseling

Couples experiencing conflict, or those wanting to take their marriage or committed relationship to a deeper level, will learn how to talk and listen to each other so that each gains a real understanding of what their partner is thinking, and what their underlying feelings are. You'll become aware of your own reactions and where they come from, and how to respond instead of just reacting automatically.

I'm trained in Imago Therapy, and in helping you both come to understand your partner better. You'll be speaking more to each other than to me in most sessions. Who's to blame for the mess you're in? Don't even ask the question--just assume you've each contributed to the problems (as well as to the good times) and be open to change.

Just because you now understand your partner clearly doesn't mean you'll always agree with them! Accepting differences, with respect and curiosity, leads to connection. It's a shock, but They are not You.

In counseling you may learn to self-validate more, and rely less on your partner for your sense of self-worth. Each person will become more aware of, and get to deal with, their own "stuff." Can you manage your particular anxieties well enough that you can tell your spouse/partner how you feel, even if you "know" they might not like what you say? (You may be pleasantly surprised to learn you can't accurately read your partner's mind after all.) Sessions are conducted in such a way that I provide opportunity and a safe environment for you to bring up important issues, but what you decide to talk about or not talk about will always be up to each of you. I make suggestions, and I know how to stop the blame game, and teach you how to turn  those critical comments into softer requests. I believe we learn how to conduct our most important, intimate relationships, from messages received in our childhood family. It can be useful to think about and discuss what "love" was like  in your parent's house, and how this shows up in your adult relationship in the defenses you each use, and the reactions you tend to have.

If there has been an affair, that doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship. If both partners want to put it back together, or start over and heal and regain the trust and intimacy you want, it is definitely possible. Counseling can help clarify those ambivalent feelings. There's no instant fix, but trust can be regained and earned, and couples do recover from an affair and often end up in better shape than before it happened. Whether there's been an emotional attachment with a person outside the partnership, or a physical, sexual affair, recovery can and does happen.

The erotic side of your relationship is at least as important as the companionship part. Otherwise you'd just be friends or roommates. It may be a good time to create a new agreement with your partner about what you each expect and want. With Tammy Nelson's tool "The New Monogamy Agreement" you'll have a list of questions to discuss with your partner for dealing with attractions to people outside your relationship, what to do with fantasies, and other aspects of your sexual relationship.

It can be hard work and it takes a lot of courage to take a fresh look at your relationship and yourself, but the result can be a safe and exciting partnership, and growth as individuals.

Diversity is always welcomed!

Therapy Can Help With:

• Depression
• Feelings of sadness, loneliness, lack of energy, negative thoughts, low self-worth, lack of pleasure, lack of motivation; expecting the worst and not really caring any more.
• Depression can occur after a specific sad or traumatic event, or may occur for no reason the client can easily identify. Messages you got in childhood can deeply affect your core beliefs about yourself, and we can look at those and see if they're true or if they need updating. We'll use techniques that can help you get in touch with some beliefs you live with that you might not be aware of. We explore thoughts, feelings and behaviors so you can identify where you'd like change and steps you can take.

• Anxiety
•  May be acute feelings that something bad is going to happen, with heart racing and other somatic manifestations; or chronic negative thoughts, lack of confidence, constant worry, having the same thoughts over and over, intrusive thoughts; avoiding certain situations; a chronic unsettled feeling; feeling "not present."
• Anxiety may lead to tension-reduction behaviors that are compulsive: Eating disorders, sex addiction behaviors, other addictions and unwanted behaviors
• When you avoid what you fear, you reinforce that behavior by avoiding the anxious feeling--so you continue the behavior until the avoidance itself becomes a problem...There is a better way. 

• Smoking Cessation
• Hypnosis is an effective tool to use to help support your desire to stop smoking.
• Your subconscious has made an association: Stress relief/cigarette. You can change that automatic behavior, gain conscious control over it.

• Weight Loss
• Again, hypnosis is effective to help the "automatic overeating."

• Phobias
• Fear and anxiety about specific objects or situations
• And they get worse as you avoid the situation or object and so reinforce your idea that it is good to avoid it. Pain and suffering are not the same: Getting bitten by a dog is pain--fearing all dogs afterwards is suffering
• Relationships
• Living with a partner triggers old defenses you learned in your family of origin. After the first year or so, you may be questioning who that person you were so attracted to has turned into. The honeymoon stage ends, and real growth towards true love can begin. You can learn to really view the other person as--well, another person. They're not you. You may learn that the two of you are, however, ideally suited to meet the needs and longings you've both always had. Learn a way to communicate that is conscious, intentional, and leads to mutual understanding and compassion. You may also need to learn how to be assertive and effective in communicating your needs and wants.
Other relationships can improve, too, when you learn and practice saying how you feel and what you want. Employers, co-workers, friends...you can learn to be more assertive and less reactive.
•  Isolation
• Changes such as a move, job change, divorce/break up, can leave a person without the support systems they counted on and you may feel at a loss until you can create new ones
• Trauma
• Car accidents, rape, medical procedures, violence, natural disaster can cause trauma responses which if not processed early and well can lead to PTSD long term symptoms of anxiety, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, avoidance of situations reminding the person of the original experience, nightmares, a feeling of depersonalization, nightmares. Counseling is a safe place to deal with those feelings and replace them with stronger, more adaptable and flexible feelings and more rational in-the-moment thoughts.
• "Complex trauma" responses can arise from poor early attachment and childhood environment: Daily criticism, name-calling, ignoring, subtle or obvious neglect, intrusiveness, physical or emotional or sexual abuse, cold emotional atmosphere, or simply not being able to meet the child's emotional needs--these can also lead to depression, feelings of shame, anxiety, and other PTSD-like symptoms, including a feeling of deep emptiness, isolation, and unhappiness. These can also be treated.

• Grief and Loss
• Losing a spouse or partner, or a child can be an almost unbearable pain
• Loss of a pet, if that pet meant a lot to you, can be very traumatic

Anxiety and Getting More Out of Your Life

If you're considering counseling, you're probably feeling that you need a change in some area of your life. Many people come to counseling to learn how to be less chronically anxious, less self-conscious, less at the mercy of noisy and disturbing thoughts and feelings that keep them from being at peace.

Chronic feelings of anxiety, besides being uncomfortable, tend to limit our apparent choices. If you really value deep friendships and close relationships, yet you get so anxious at the idea of going out and meeting people that you avoid it, you might not get what you most want in life but may find yourself living in a smaller, more confined way. And so the problem becomes not just the anxious feelings, but what you do to protect yourself from them.

Some pain is unavoidable in this life, but being animals with vivid imaginations, we tend to suffer to a greater degree than necessary. You can get stuck in thoughts about who you think you are, why people are treating you the way they are, why you always act a certain way... and find yourself living with a mind that feels like a hamster on a wheel.

There are many therapeutic techniques for managing feelings of anxiety depending on the type of anxiety you're experiencing. Panic attacks are somatic experiences involving racing or pounding heart, shakiness, feelings of disconnect, and dread. You should know that as unpleasant as these feelings are, they're not "damaging" and they will pass. Chronic anxiety-- feeling unsettled, mind racing or compulsive thoughts, empty feeling, uneasy, fearful, constant worry-- however this manifests for you, makes life difficult. Sometimes a recent event, an interaction with someone or a loss, can trigger a reaction that has to do with how you experienced your early childhood environment. Criticism from a boss? Does that bring to life all the difficult feelings you had growing up, feeling you were never quite good enough? Getting healing for the past, whether it's your childhood past or recent events, can open you to a whole new world in the present and replace anxiety with confidence and calm.

We all want a life that is purposeful, meaningful, and we want to be active participants in it. We all want to have inner peace, close connection to others, and to know that we are competent, and belong. Counseling can help with emotional suffering, and you can gain a clearer picture of what you as an individual value most in life, and how to get there. If you've got that clear vision, you'll be able to willingly accept the moment as it is, and confidently continue towards what's meaningful to you. Therapy can help you do this in however many small steps you require and at your own pace.